I'm a WHAT Now?
by Misty Margera
Summary: Well my man, you're a sage...BUT WHAT'S GOIN THROUGH THEIR HEADS AS THEY BECOME SAGES? Wanna know? Find out herre! UPDATED: 10603
1. Rauru!

HAR HAR HAR!

Disclaimer: "Angel" By Slick Shoes is a mad good song. And I don't' own Zelda you WHORES! If you ever played OOT…then you friggin know what I'm talking about with "trophies"

"I'm a WHAT Now?"

A 7 part mini series by WHO ELSE WOULD CREATE CRAP LIKE THIS?

*H'r'm*

This is a lil ol' mini friggin series (WELL WHAT ELSE WOULD I DO?) about all the SAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGGGES! (sages) and it's like…THEIR THOUGHTS WHEN THEY FIND OUT THEY'RE BECOMIN SAGES! Hee dee hee dee hee.

*The Sage o' Light: RAURU THE MEAT-EATER!*

As usual, I was lying on my fat ass, passed out drunk in the middle of my precious Temple of Time. This was not an uncommon day for me. I thought I was cool by doing this!

I quickly recovered from my hangover. The taste of Ink was getting old. It was 'four o'clock in the fuckin' morning… (it's a line from The Used) and I decided to have SNACK TIME! I settled down at my huge table, lit some candles, and DIVULGED! 

I had six sausages, fourteen slices of bread, thirteen chalices of wine, two bowls of mashed potatoes, four whole roast chickens, a Party Bag of Smartfood Popcorn, a carton of Kitty Litter, a tube of toothpaste, and seven or eight of those chocolate Hershey's eggs.

I was feeling a little tipsy after SNACK TIME, so I decided to eat some more. I inspected the fridge, but there wasn't anything left! So I came back later, hoping a magic little elf had put some more food back in the fridge for me to divulge. BUT TO NO AVRIL!! Er, AVAIL! I hadn't had food for…for…twenty-nine minutes…AND HOW FAINT I FELT!!!!!! OH THE HUMAN-NINITY!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 

I dropped to my knees, causing my precious Temple of Time to tremble. 'I'D SELL MY SOUL FOR A SCRAP OF FOOD!' I yelled. I looked up and waited for a sign from God, or Jesus, or Marquee de Lafayette, or my precious teddy bear Snuffles…SOMEBODY! ANYBODY! But…but…

I saw this bogus white light pouring down on me. Then there were these THREE BIG CHOCOLATE TROPHIES THAT DECENDED DOWN FROM MY PRECIOUS TEMPLE OF TIME!!!!!!!!!!! And I was all like…OMIGOD!!! CHOCOLATE!!!!!!! So I ran to them and sank my teethies into one of the delicious chocolate thingies. It was very scrumptious. Except that I chipped two of my teeth. Because it turned out that these delicious chocolate trophies were just regular cheap trophies!!!!!!!!! AHH!

I knew that they weren't real chocolate trophies because it said 'OW!' And I was like… 'WHOA!' And it was like… 'YO!' 

I got scared, so I hid under a pillow on my couch.

The scrumptious chocolate trophy treat saw me and used some magic stuff and pulled me out from under the couch cushion.

It was fun to fly.

I said… "Whee!"

But I think the non-chocolate trophy Rauru-Teeth-Hurter treat was going to just drop me on my fat booty, but had second thoughts and placed me gently on the ground. Hey, I still had some good China left, I didn't wanna break it ALL!

"Oh Fat Ass Rauru…" Said the front false chocolate trophy, "I am Farore, the Golden Goddess of Courage." 

I snapped back into reality. "Oh, I'm sorry, what did you say? I wasn't paying attention."

"ME-DAMMIT!" Screamed another chocolate delicious trophy, "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND!?!? WE'RE THE GOLDEN GODDESSES!!!!!! We're here to HELP! And now YOU'RE not HELPING!!"

"Please excuse her," spoke up the third muncheriffic chocolatey trophy snack, "That's only Din the Golden Goddess of Power."

"She's pretty damn powerful if you ask me!" I said.

"I am Nayru, the Goddess of Wisdom."

I started to drool. I hadn't eaten in thirty-nine minutes at this point, and I was MAD hungry. So I tried to con this trophy into letting me have it's way with it. "Ohhhhhhhh! Wiiiiiiiisdom, eh? You must be pretty tasty-I mean smart. Mind if I nibble at some of those crunchy brain cells?"

"SWEET ME!" Yelled the PMS-ey one Din. "GODDESS MEETING!!!!!!!!!"

Heh heh hee…

Ho ho ho…

Blah ha ha!

They thought that I couldn't hear them…but I had that handy EAR TRUMPET! So I heard them!

They said I was fat.

Din said that I couldn't have been what the ancient scrolls said I should be.

Nayru used those chewy brain cells of hers and said that I was what the scrolls produced.

Farore didn't say anything. I think she died.

So suddenly all three of the delectable trophies walked towards me again, and told me that I was to become the Sage of Light, and protect the Light Temple.

Here came my big line that clinched off the meaning of the story…

"I'm a WHAT now?"

Din wasn't happy I asked that. I think she needed a good thingy of Midol. "YOU'RE A SAGE!" She screamed right in my ear. "That means you gotta GET OFF YOUR LAZY ASS AND DO SAGELY THINGS!!!!!!"

"And what, pray, does a sage do?" I meekly asked.

"YOU KNOW, SAGE STUFF!!!!!!!!"

"And what, pray, is sage stuff?"

Farore, who wasn't dead, stepped right in front of Din and told me what sages do.

It wasn't exciting. 

I fell asleep.

With my eyes open.

And when I came to, Farore was summing up her little talk. 

"THAT'S what a sage does!"

I nodded my head in approval so it looked like I was paying attention. 

"Good," spoke up tasty-brain-celled Nayru. "When you wake up, you will have sagely powers. But you will have no recollection of seeing us, or trying to sink your teeth into us."

All three of them snapped their fingers like the guys in West Side Story do.

The next thing I knew I was flat on my back, passed out on the floor of my precious Temple of Time. I stood up, looked around, spun around, did a back flip, and danced the Lindy Hop. 

"WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO ME!" I yelled, and I dropped to the ground. 

BUT!

When my hands hit the ground, big yellow sparks came flying outta them!  
  


And I made two holes in my precious Temple of Time!  
  


It was SO bitchin'!

And then I remembered this bogus nightmare I had about these three delicious chocolate trophies descending from the sky telling me about sageness and so…except I don't remember what they said about sagely duties.

I think it involved scratching my crotch.

Which I did.

Ahh, it felt good.

BUT LIKE WHOA!!!!!!!!! I HAD SAGELY POWERS!!!!!!

And I had NOT A CLUE ABOUT HOW TO USE THEM!!!!!

So I waited.

And waited…

And waited for those three individually wrapped chocolate trophy goodies to fall from the sky again.

They never showed up, the lazy bitches.

So I eventually tamed the sagely powers…

But I had no idea what to do with them!!!!!!

Sure, I used them to clean my precious Temple of Time.

And sure, I used them to eliminate Osama Bin Laden…

But WHAT WAS THEIR PURPOSE IN HYRULE DINDAMMIT?????????????????? 

One day I came to a conclusion…

I have sage powers…

BECAUSE EVERYONE NEEDS "THE FAT KID" IN THE BUNCH!!!!!!!

And I DO remember Din, Nayru, and Farore talking about a "series" of sages…

SO I'M JUST THE FAT ONE!

BITCHIN'!

::suddenly, it fades to black. It fades back up to Rauru sitting in a chair in front of a red curtain::

So those were my thoughts as the sagely powers came to me. Yeah, it really makes me wanna have a longer attention span so I could have heard what Din, Nayru and Farore told me about the significance of my sagelyness….BUT WHO GIVES!!!!! LOOK WHAT I CAN DO!!!!!!

::Rauru turns around in his chair, and fires a yellow lighting bolt at Zelda's booty::

Take THAT, toots!!!!!!!!

-end- (of RAURU's section of sageocity)

Chapter 2…coming to a computer screen in front of you…

"Sage o' Forest: NO MORE _ _ _ FOR ME!"

3 misty dawn/margera


	2. Saria!

OH MY VARIOUS GODS!! I JUST GOT A GREAT IDEA!!!!!!!!! 

DRUG CONTENT! (warning) Stay offa drugs…MD DOES!

Disclaimer: GOTTA CATCH EM' ALL!

"I'm a WHAT Now?"

Lovingly manufactured by Misty Margera the sexiest person in the world…OMG WHAT A LIE!

Saria: "NO MORE _ _ _ FOR ME!"

I laid back in bed. I was so fucking wasted. I had smoked about ten joints and had six hits of the bong that day. Man I was totally high. What do you expect? I live in a forest, I embrace nature, I grow pot!

[Saria: DOUBLE YOU TEE EFF, MISTY?!? 

Misty Margera: Shh shh shh my young one, just let the story unfold…]

I wandered outside. It was "High Week in Kokiri Forest," so I had to make my usual rounds, making sure everyone was stoned out of their minds, which of course they were. That's what the Kokiri Forest used to be. Back in the days when pot was legalized, we were known as the Grass-Heads "Home Fresh" Legal Pot of Hyrule. It was a booming business…we created the most potent pot in all of Hyrule. Come to think of it, we created the ONLY weed in all of Hyrule. 

But this particular day, I had a really really really strong high. I was tripping so badly. And when I trip really badly, I play the ocarina. Really badly. But everyone that heard me blast out these horrid notes was also really high…SO…they enjoyed it!

"Whooooooooooah!"

"Killeeeeeeeeeer!"

"BITCHIN!"

I had suddenly started to come down from my wonderfully wonderful high…then it happened.

I got the munchies reaaaaaaal badly.

Reeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeal badly.

And I had remembered Rauru yelling his head off about "three big chocolate trophy thingies," so I always kept my eyeballs peeled. But no chocolate trophy thingies.

I wandered into the Lost Forest. I got lost about three times because I was still kinda tripping. So when I finally got to the Sacred Forest Meadow, I thought the stump I usually sat on (to spark my bong) was a gigantic circular filet' mignon. I took a bite out of it, but got only wood in my mouth…and I'm not trying to make this sound like a sexual comment.

I lay across my stump. I was so having twenty minute withdrawal, so I took out a ready-made joint I had in my pocket. But no lighter. Shite. So I just decided to use a magnifying glass and burn some leaves. It worked, and I got a fire going, but all of a sudden it was stomped out by a gigantic gold statue. 

I thought I still was tripping, so to prove myself wrong, I slammed my head against it.

I did some pretty stupid stuff when I was stoned.

Like this one time…at Bong Camp…I walked around naked for three full days!!!!!!

Eh…

So anyway, this big golden thing was all like… "EY!!! WATCH WHERE THE EFF YOU'RE GOING, STONER!"

Wow.

Wow dee wow.

In all my years of smokin' the ganga, no one had EVER called me a stoner.

That meant these golden thingies meant business.

The red tinted golden thingie reached right out and thrust a hand into one of my pockets.

"I NEED AN ADULT! I NEED AN ADULT!" I screamed. I was mad uncomfortable. 

She pulled out a bong (it was shaped like a fairy!!!), and about three of those little itty bitty packets of weed. (Anyone know what they're called? I ferget…)

"Hey! You didn't need to do that!" I said.

The blue tinted and the green tinted golden thingie stepped towards me. "Yes we did, Saria," they said together.

Aghast, I drew back and hit into the stump on the ground. "How did you know my name?"

The red tinted thingie yelled the answer at me. "WE'RE THE GOLDEN GODDESSES, STONER!! WE KNOW A HELLA LOT MORE THAN YOU!!!!!"

"Oh…" I said, with tears welling up in my eyes. I really didn't like the red one. What a flaming bee-hotch.

"DIN!" Yelled the green one, "STOP BEING SUCH A FLAMING BEE-HOTCH!"

Rockin'!

The blue hued one spoke her ass up. Strangely, I was attracted to her brain cells. They seemed sexy. "Don't be frightened, Saria. Din's probably on her period or something. Anyway, I'm Nayru, the Golden Goddess of Wisdom. That is Farore, the Golden Goddess of Courage, and…Din."

"EY!" shouted Din. "I SHOULD GET A PROPER INTRO! I _AM_ THE GODDESS O' POWER!"

"And we're all so proud of you!" said Farore.

"With all that aside," I started to say, "What can I do ya for?"

"Saria, we want you to stop doing pot," said Nayru. "It's not cool."

STOP DOING POT? BUT WHAT ELSE WOULD I DO? PAINT A PICTURE? ENJOY NATURE? FIND THE MATRIX?

"But I dun' wanna!" Was my reply. 

"YOU HAFTA YOU LITTLE SHIT!" yelled Din, "SAGES DON'T DO POT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! COOL PEOPLE DON'T DO POT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! POT EFF'S YOU UP!!! I MEAN, LOOK AT THE AUTHOR!"

Misty spoke up. "EY! I DON'T DO POT!!!!!! Where'd you dig THAT up? I've only been high once!"

"GASP!!" went everyone.

"Yeah!" Said Misty. "One time, I threw up thirteen times in one night, so the lady that lives with me, aka my mom, took me to the doctorials, and they gave me a shot in my leg to make me stop vomiting! MAN!!! DAT SHIT FOCKS YOU UP! I was like…HIGH! I was singing songs to everyone, I collapsed with laughter in the waiting room, and I told my mom that I don't deserve to be treated like a diving board!"

"OH JEEZ!" I said. "IS THAT WHAT I REALLY DO WHEN I'M HIGH?!?!?! BE LIKE MISTY?!?!?!?! NEVER AGAIN! I'm off pot forever!" I vowed.

"Good!" said all three Goddesses.

"Now, you will be the Sage of the Forest. You will guard the Forest Temple…" Nayru began to say.

I wasn't interested.

It was boring.

It was more interesting to stare at the blades of grass swish around in the gentle afternoon breeze. 

So I didn't hear what Nayru was yammering her head off about sage-ocity. 

Suddenly, there was a crash of drums, and a flash of light. (No, not the Rocky Horror Picture Show). Foomp. I was back in my house. OH MY GOD!! What a trash pile!!

There was marijuana paraphernalia EVERYWHERE!! So I took a massive trash bag, put EVERYTHING pot-related into it…AND THREW IT OUT THE DOOR!

I encouraged everyone else to do the same.

I wondered if this was what sages do! I wasn't sure, so I hopped over to Rauru's house. Surprisingly I could go out of the Kokiri Forest…AND I DIDN'T DIE IN HYRULE FIELD!!! BITCHIN!!!

Rauru and I had this big long conversation. Most of it was him rambling about his daily indigestion. But we realized we were both sages, so we HIGH-FIVED!!

And when we did, yellow sparks flew outta his hand, and green sparks flew outta my hand!!!!!

"Eww!" We both said. "Green and yellow aren't good colors together!"

That was my cue to exit. I've been clean ever since!!!!! And, just so Misty won't hafta have one of the goddesses introduce them every episode, I put up flyers stating the names of all the goddesses!!

YEE-HAW FOR ME!

::suddenly, it fades to black. It fades back up to Saria sitting in a chair in front of a red curtain::

So that's basically it. 

That's all.

I have nothing more to say.

Stop making me stay stuff, Misty!!!!!!!

(more soon…m-d)


End file.
